Bitch Of The Day: Day-to-day Androgyny

**WARNING/Clarification**  This post is not addressing transsexual lifestyles.  The subjects of this post are guys and girls who are “guys” and “girls” Ex. Guy = penis, girl = vagina.  Guys that want to be guys but happen to look, dress and act like girls.  Girls who want to be girls but look, dress and act like guys.**

In fashion, androgyny is a style.  Many celebrities have adopted this style – see photos below.  But what really adds to an already confusing world is day-to-day androgyny.  Unexpected androgyny!

Have you ever been out and about, and had someone walk by you and had no idea if they were a guy or a girl?

For many of us, this is an every day occurence. With the large number of fat people in this day and age, it’s becoming harder and harder to tell. There are many men who have breasts larger than 50% of the female population. This is disgusting. Most of them make no attempt to hide their hideousness with a mumu or large baggy clothing. Some even resort to buying a man-bra to hold those fatty love sacks in place. We do not want to see this. Please get another XXXL shirt, and write “I AM A MAN” on the back, that way there will be no confusion.

The number of men and boys these days that are wearing skinny jeans is increasing, attempting to make themselves more attractive and show off their skinny legs. The number of men with long flowing locks is also increasing, many men purchase female hair products to maintain such hairstyles. These two factors combined with a sharing of clothes amongst genders provides a large amount of people who look like the opposing sex. This needs to be stopped. If you choose to wear the opposite sexes clothes, for their style, then please use the rest of your outfit to clearly state whether you are male or female.

This problem doesn’t just apply to men. Women are just as bad.  Some girls go out of their way to HIDE their distinct womanly features making it even harder to distinguish. Ladies, you were given boobs so show them off. At least let us know that you have them. It’s not like we all have X-Ray vision and can see through your pants to tell if you have a vagina or not. We are all aware that women in the workplace choose to wear coats and suits with broader shoulders to make themselves seem more masculine and equal to their male counterparts. You do not have to look like a man to be powerful. We all know straight men are more turned on by attractive women then women trying to be equal to them. Be a woman, rise above the men and make them unequal to you.

The Queens of Androgyny: Sinead O’Connor, Cate Blanchett and Tilda Swinton

People get mad when you accidentally address them as the wrong gender. And who are they to get mad at you? It’s their fucking fault for being a fatty or wearing manly clothes. If you look like a man, I’m going to address you as a man. I am not going to take the time to try and figure out “what you are.”  This isn’t London Fashion Week, you are not famous and cannot pull off the look.

This is even worse when a couple has one member that is genderless. Then you don’t know if the couple is gay, or straight, or IS one a girl? Or which one is the girl?

This is why the The Extreme Tomboy Effect is the bitch of the day. So please, ladies, let us know you’re ladies. And fat guys who look like ladies, lose some fucking weight.

Bitch of the Day: Wearing Tight Maternity Clothes

If you are knocked up it is inappropriate to continue to wear the same tops you would wear out to the club. Ie. The same shirt you got knocked up in.  Tight, huggy material with plunging necklines is not acceptable.  If the woman on top of the bar is wearing the same shirt, just minus a panel of material, then you are a ho.

1) Keep your boobs in.

2) It is unnecessary to accentuate your fatness.

You are going to get a chance to rub your sagging boobs in our faces! Just wait a couple more months and you can hang out, breast-feeding all day long.  Pity our eyes/minds and keep the lumps under wraps until then.  It seems to me that maternity clothes now want to promote the fact that the bitch is about to add to the overpopulated planet.  Like it is necessary to make it absolutely clear that the girl is going to bust out another human being within the year so the rest of us can “Ooohhh” and “Ahhh” over the “miracle.” False. Pregnant women choose to be pregnant, there is nothing special, there is nothing great – if anything they should be secluded from society until they have finished breastfeeding (See previous Bitch of the Day: Breastfeeding Mothers).  Pregnancy is not a celebration.  Pregnant women should be punished for adding another waste of space, polluter, serial killer to society.  These articles of clothing advertise where instead it should hide.  I know that maternity wear sucks balls and that if you are pregnant it is a nightmare to have to dress your mammoth of a body but why bring the rest of us down to your misery? Stay at home or move to the north or cover appropriately.

A Classier Alternative:

An Even Classier Alternative:

Sunday: Day 2

Tights and a dress.  This dress is not long enough to be a dress and I would not wear it to school or volunteering without jeans.  I guess it can be considered a shirt then but it would still be found in the”dress” aisle.  ANYWAY I wore this to volunteering because I thought it would be okay since, according to the Universe, tights* are now considered pants.  I felt DEee-sgusting.  I volunteer in a private library at a rather…conservative location.  Oh man I felt like my butt was basically exposed.  It didn’t matter that the tights were opaque – it was as close to naked without being naked.  So definitely not something I would wear again to that place and by how uncomfortable I was I wouldn’t wear it to school either.  So something I would wear with jeans (pants) I wore with tights and it did not have the same feel/effect.  Tights are not pants.

If you bent over I would see your Kelly Green ass.

A dress that hangs off your body is not acceptable when it is this short.  Butt checks are not fashionable.  Find material that hugs aka sticks to those bits that should be hidden by a thicker material.

Too blurry and far away to see her camel-toe

Okay! She looks super hot! But why do you think they photographed her from the side?  Camel-toe.

*Tights=leggings=tights=leggings.

Saturday: Day 1

The tights turned my hand into an eagle's claw.

I think I was just putting on my coat but it looks like I am dancing...which I would clearly not be since I'm wearing what I'm wearing.

Covering the camel toe

Saying goodbye to my jeans.

White socks and black tights are so in right now.

Comments on Saturday:

‘I wasn’t embaressed to wear those [figure skating] tights.’

‘From the side it makes me look like I’m pregnant. This is like maternity wear.’

‘I don’t understand how people can do this without showing their crotch.’

‘Like I’m going to freeze my ass off. That’s how I feel. And my legs look fat.’

‘Ugh, I am not looking forward to having tights riding up my vagina and butt.’

My thoughts so far: Jeans are better.

Tights as Pants Countdown

2 1/2 hours until I put on tights.

What do I wear with them?

Are you supposed to wear underwear?

Will I always have a camel toe?

Will my butt look bigger?

These are all negative!! I cannot think of one positive thing surrounding this.  I’m scared I’m going to feel naked.  I’m definitely going to be hideous but at least I’ll fit into “the crowd.”  I’m definitely going to have a camel toe.

There are a lot of pictures of people with camel-toes. FYI.

Bitch Of The Day: People Who Believe Cosmo

I was flipping through a Cosmo the other day (as I had succumb to the lowest form of boredom) and I started actually reading the stuff they have in their magazine, and it’s ridiculous. The worst part is that there are people out there (we probably even know one or two) that believe this stuff.

It’s perfectly okay to read it and take it for what it is. It is a funny magazine, even if it’s not trying to be, kinda like this website. But when you start to take it seriously, then you’re in trouble.

Here are a few things Cosmo says in their latest issue:

Fun Things To Do With Your Underwear:

• Stash a thong in his briefcase or the pocket of his favorite sweatshirt. The unexpected find will remind him of, well, your hoo-ha.
• Leave your underwear on during sex. One word: friction.
• Take off your underwear while out at a restaurant or bar and slip it into his hand. Men aren’t great at picking up on subtle hints, but he’ll read this move loud and clear.

Okay, so these are fine and dandy in theory. But in practice, no. Just no. Imagine ‘your guy’ opens up his briefcase at work in a meeting. And your naughtiest underwear falls out. Well it will make a great story for you two later, but for him at the time, it could cost him a lot more. Respect, dignity, maybe even a job or a promotion. And if you seriously want to take your underwear off in a bar and give it to ‘your guy’, then you’re really showing your slutty side. Anyways, what the hell is he going to do with that underwear afterwards?! Put it in his pocket? Yeah, no. Not happening. He’s going to end up losing it or throwing it on the face of the nearest bouncer. And I’m sure you want that guy smelling your ‘hoo-ha.’

The following is a link to a list of horrible sex ideas for girls: 7 sex tips from cosmo that will put you in hospital.

Everyone knows Cosmo only has 300 sex tips that they have permeated, construed and slightly changed for the past 30 years. So it’s no big shock to read them anymore. And most of them don’t really work, or are things we all do anyways.

Believing Cosmo is just a bad idea on all fronts. What they say about sex, fashion, life and just about anything can’t be that reliable, they’ve had the same cover style for 15 years! Come on Cosmo! You will NOT be a sex goddess. You will NOT know how to have bad girl sex. You will NOT lose weight while you eat. The 50 things guys wish you knew, we really don’t care about that stuff. Everyone already does those naughty things in bed, not just 30%. Your new little mouth moves will NOT make your sex hotter. Reading Cosmo will NOT make you better looking, thinner, or better at sex. The people who do believe Cosmo are really showing their true colours, and their IQ. You’ll definitely know you’re hooking up with a weird chick if she starts slapping your balls around, and upon asking her, she replies “Cosmo told me to.” That’s a red flag guys. Abandon ship.

If you are reading this, and you believe what Cosmo tells you. Please, seek psychiatric help. Thank you

Ugly Leggings + 3 Days + Brooke = Hiroshima 2

JSTB’s First Experiment is going down this Saturday October 21st.  On Saturday evening I (Brooke) am purchasing a pair of leggings/tights from Sam’s wonderful store, putting the horrible things on and leaving them on until Monday night. 

I will be wearing them on Saturday night out, Sunday all day and at volunteering, and on Monday at school.  We are going to get to the bottom of this madness and see what the big deal is.  I will have to cover my head because of the shame I am going to endure but I do not see any other way.  Jason will be documenting and Sam will be styling.

Hopefully, as Lindsay and Lady Gaga guide me, I will survive this difficult task.

Pictures and more to come.

Iconography In Your Hair

Hopefully you all understand me when I say iconography. I mean pictures, images, numbers etc. Guys (and girls) who shave images on their heads are douchebags. Flat out, totally disgusting, hideous, douche bag.

Why would you want to shave a spider web on your head? Or the number of your hockey jersey? You’re just making yourself look like you’re trying way to hard. We’ve seen Steps and whatever the fuck this is in the side of Kayne’s head. Yeah, bet you didn’t notice that after his VMA debacle. Please tell me the appeal of these men. Or women too. You’re not grungy, or hardcore, or fly or gangsta. You’ve clearly just come to the realization that hair grows back and you can do whatever the fuck you want with it.

This is for people who don’t have the confidence to get a tattoo. Although they wish to be artsy and make a statement with their hair, they are not strong enough as human beings to make the permanent commitment. “Oh, It’s okay. It’ll grow back in a few months.” And what happens when it does? You’re going to have a nasty patchy random disgusting hair cut. Then you’re going to have to shave it all off again anyways. So if you’re a pussy and want to be different and unique, without getting a tattoo, then shave your head.

I’ve seen a few of these hideous designs in peoples heads. And each one of them has made me convulse in a different manner. What would motivate one to do such a terrible fashion statement is beyond me. It’s not stylish, it’s not cool, it’s not anything other than an exemplification of common douchebaggery. So to all of you who dream of getting steps or spider webs in shaved into your head. Please refrain. For our sake.

Celebrity Halloween

Aaron Carter the Pedophile. A pimp at a Toys R Us/Mattel Halloween event....sicko.

No, Audrina. No!

Perfect Sailor. Scurvy and syphillis.

Katy Perry as Freddy Mercury

Pink as butt-ugly as ever.

1920s

A much better Audrina.

P Diddy decided to not dress up that year and stick with his usual "douche" look.

Saved by the Balls

Hats on Heads

The temperature on the island has significantly dropped this week so I’m seeing a move away from “slut” to a more “grizzly bear” type of style.  Personally I like colder weather so I can be comfortable temperature-wise in my jeans and sweaters.  It also means that people can legitimately wear scarves.  I hate dumb bitches who wear pashminas/scarves/handkerchiefs/kerchiefs around their necks like a cowboy about to dig into a pile of ribs.  With the scarves comes the hats and unfortunately I have seen some disgusting head fashion around campus this week.

Ignore the scarf, although it is just as hideous. My problem is the hat.  This style of newsboy hats is Dis-gusting!  It belongs on the head of a male go-go dancer at Studio 54. Or one of the Village People.  So the head of a homosexual man…in the 70s.  I have seen too many girls on campus sporting this hideous creation.  I think it’s the whole poof part.  Is it a military hat or a newsboy hat?!!

Oy vey.

This is nasty as balls.

I refuse to accept this as a hat trend:

Here we have the “pub/duckbill caps.”  GAH-ross.

I just...have to...forbid this. You will never get laid in this!

A Knit Beanie: Something not to be hated.  I actually saw one person wearing this around school and it was the one saving grace of the day.  Best with long locks.  Baggy beanies are still disgusting and can stay with hippies and Zac Efron but the small, fitted version is acceptable.